I remember when I got off that plane, thinking to myself that I failed. I had failed myself and my children. I felt that I ruined my life and all I had made was nothing but mistake after mistake in my last relationship. Ten years with someone you consider to be the love of your life should mean something, right?
I let my love of Him consume me, to the point of letting myself become an empty shell of a girl. I felt I couldn't live without him because I loved him that much. I loved someone more than I loved myself. How does that even happen?
This isn't about him, though. This is about me. It is about my transition from a scared girl a year ago that couldn't, nor knew how to stand on her own feet, into a happy, confident woman. Somewhere in my past, I lost the independence I had gained.
I got off that plane January 25, 2011, and was a walking disaster for a couple months. I was withdrawn, scared of making new friends and of trusting. My love of nearly 10 years had betrayed me with a woman I considered to be one of my best friends. Yes, I was jaded. I took a journey though with my family here. We hiked Diamond Head. I wanted to give up because I was convinced I failed at what I thought was the most important relationship I would ever have, I would only fail at this too. Thanks to my friend Paul, he convinced me otherwise, even if at times he had to nearly put his boot in my ass.
February, I learned that I could hang out with new people, and I was learning to smile. It didn't happen often, but I did start to smile. Sleep eluded me on most nights, I cried myself to sleep, then usually got woken up to my ex (the very same) texting and calling.
March, I had finally made some key friends in my life, and I am grateful, because they were part of my healing process. It was touch and go for a while, I would withdraw from friends, and then I would socialize again. I was still losing sleep and cried all the time.
April. This was a difficult month for me. Realizing that some people can find it so easy to walk into and out of your life. Why all the late night phone calls behind the new girlfriends back? I don't know. But I got smarter and tired of crying myself to sleep every night. I started turning my ringer off every night, to prevent getting woke up from calls.
May, I learned to joke! I gained my sense of humor back, finally. I started laughing more. And I started going out with guys, like I should had been doing. I went to some... Interesting parties to say the least. Learned that I deserved to be happy, gained ambition and goals.
June I realized that I am worth more than getting my brains screwed out, and I refuse to act like I am a teenager again, because at the end of the day, I am the one responsible for the care of myself. If I don't respect myself, then how can I expect a potential partner to respect me as well?
July was interesting to say the least. I discovered I had a back bone, and could liberally use the word NO at my leisure and mean it. I had to learn that people will keep piling responsibilities upon your plate if you let them. I also had to discover, it is okay to say no and not feel bad.
August. I discovered it is okay to love again, and be loved in return. Be it friendship, or something deeper. I learned to set limits for other people and to have standards for myself. I learned that I deserve to always be treated like a lady, even when times are rocky.
September, I started working on making myself happy, I started working more on my self esteem. I was discovering what I truly wanted in my life, and making plans on how I was going to get there.
October, I started making a Plan A, and a Plan B, for incase Plan A failed. I learned that sometimes, people come into your life, and even though they aren't the greatest thing for you, there are always a lesson (or lessons) to be learned. Even toxic people can teach lessons if you look at them in a positive light. The most important lesson I learned: love the people who love you back and treat you right.
November- face my fears and learn to open up to people I don't know. Everyone has scars, only not everyone chooses to show them. It is okay to love someone from afar, knowing they aren't the best thing for you. I grew beyond needing anyone's approval of how I live my life. Be it friends or family. If someone loves me, they accept the whole me, no matter how screwed up they think I am.
December I accepted my challenges with myself that I still face. I took another step forward, stepping outside if my comfort zone. I became active on a dating website, and started talking to people. I realized I have to step outside and make the next move.
January 25, 2012- I am tromping all outside of my comfort zone, dating, making plans for my future that are more solid. And, in a few days, I am making the journey back to Diamond Head to relive my first hike. Today has been very emotional for me, and realizing how much I changed in the last year. There is none of it that I regret.
<**This is dedicated to my friend that passed through the veil in October, Dave K. He was one of the key people that helped me grow as a person, think, and laugh at myself through my tears(if only you knew!). Someday, my beloved friend, we will sit and laugh again, do art, and drink tea. You are missed and not a day goes by that I do not think of you, and thank you for helping me grow into a better person. I love you, Dave**>
