Ships In The Night

If most of those that I am friends with, cant tell, I am in a flux with my life. I feel it sometimes resembles the ocean that I am surrounded by... Moments, I feel the ebb and flow of the tides... I feel the sunshine, warming me... I feel the cold rain, chilling me to the bone sometimes... I see passersby, some were ships lost at sea, crossing paths in the night. Some have stayed... Most have gone. Even those that became such a prominent part of my life. Important to me. Others, weren't so important, and it was just like brushing dust off my collar. Nothing.

I know that nothing lasts forever. Not relationships, not friendships, nothing is eternal. Not even knowledge. At least it isn't eternal unless both parties work on it. All I know is what I feel, what I think. Some of those ships in the night? Some of them actually meant something to me. Some of them still mean something to me, but those ships may never cross my ocean again. I might have liked how it felt then, as they drifted by, but time changes everything.

How would I feel now?

I more often than not lately have felt the sunshine upon my waters. Occasional dances in the rain are special to me now, because I can actually dance in the rain with a smile and know it means something... To me. I never danced before I moved to Hawaii, because of fear inside me, fear of what others thought of me. The most important ship in my life, I never danced with, and I wish I had. I never let that ship know how important it truly was to me. It is too late now, and although I am comfortable with my life, I don't feel the need to have other ships grace my waters, to laugh and dance with. I enjoy laughing and dancing alone, right now. No, I am not lonely at all. I am comfortable. And, most importantly, I am happy.

I miss that ship, and probably will for everyday the rest of my life, and everyday, I think of that ship, and hope it stays afloat, as it drifts onto other seas and oceans, I hope that ship enjoys the sunlight, and can dance in the rain as well.

Who knows? Maybe someday, I can dance with that lost ship again, with a smile upon both our faces, and for what it is worth... Peace be with you my old friend, until we can dance again.

Dancing In The Rain

     Life is good. I have finally reached a point in my life where I can smile, and dance, not caring who is watching, or what they are thinking. All my life, I had been afraid of doing this, but no more. I will no longer be afraid, I will face the world with confidence and smile as I dance.


     The drops now instead of weighting me down, make me free. The raindrops on my skin are the lovers caress, the drops upon my lashes make me smile as it falls. The rain.... There is something about it that it cleanses your soul. Makes you feel freer than you have ever felt.


     Here in Hawaii, when I dance in the rain, I dance to the beat of mother nature. Her song is the most beautiful I have ever heard. The wind rustling through the trees, the rain falling upon the leaves, upon the stones, and grass. The birds singing adds its own special tempo. Just close your eyes and breath slowly, listen carefully.


     I am at peace with myself, I finally love myself, and all I am worth, and for everything I deserve. I deserve to be happy, and I finally am. I am single, I have no desire to date at all, right now. For the moment, I enjoy dancing alone, my very own dance. I like the feeling of total control over myself and my life. It is very powerful.


     I like feeling the way I am feeling. This is a perminant thing, of that I am sure. When I moved here, I tossed my medication, deciding that if I am going to live, then I am going to LIVE to my fullest potential. So far, so good. I have had zero depression issues, period. I do get bouts of home sickness for Washington and family there, but I can feel there is a distinct difference between the depression and the other feelings.


     I dont know what happened, I guess I set my mind for a goal, and went for it, no holds barred. We are the determining factor of how we choose to feel, and how others make us feel. Sure, people will hurt us when we love them, but it is up to us to decide if they are worthy of staying in our lives or not. Everyone makes mistakes, the question is if they keep repeating the same mistake should you let them stay in your life?


     I have regrets, there are things I wish I would, or could have done or said differently. Shoulda ain't did. But, everything happens for a reason. Everything has a purpose, no matter how redundant, hurtful, or silly. For every action, there is an opposite reaction. And with that being said, I have to say, I know why I am in Hawaii. I have a purpose here. I needed to change myself, my life, find direction because I had lost my way.


             Guess what? I found it, and I am dancing in the rain.